This morning I found myself wandering through this old blog. Lately I've been reading a lot. My pursuit for new books made me run across a blog I used to read. Somehow that writing made me want to write again.
I decided I'd finish it today.
Just a few things have happened in the six years since I was here.
I got married.
G. died.
I graduated from college.
I have taught for nearly four years.
J.L. had two babies, and I love them.
J. moved out of state, and I miss him.
I made new friends.
Lost old ones.
Moved and moved and moved.
Had a lot of lazy Sundays.
Played more in the park.
Gained and lost weight.
Read a lot of books.
I have lived through a lot. The Good. The Bad. The pattern of repeated everydays.
My life has changed a lot in six years. There are handfuls of things that I thought I would do which never happened.
But in recent weeks I have realized that the fundamental things never change. The things I like. The people I love. My routines. My habits. The ways in which I seek out happiness and comfort haven't changed. I love that. I am coming to know myself in a way I haven't before.
Something I find interesting is the comparison of who I thought I would be, and who I am. Sometimes I look at my life and think, "Of course it would be this. It was this all along." There is comfort in knowing I am who I always was. I still stand on the same things.
Even though life hasn't played out in the ways I imagined it or hoped for, it has been better. The weird thing about future plans is that we never really account for the bad spots. I mean we have savings accounts and life insurance and that extra food supply, but when it comes to the big ideas, like where we want to be in ten years, we just can't account for it. Life. The weird things it does.
I never thought I'd be an English teacher. Or that G. would die a year before my graduation. I never thought S. and I would be married and blissful like we are.
Sometimes, on lazy weekend mornings, I wake up and peek my bedhead out of the sheets and lay in awe at everything that's happened. At what life has created. I am stunned and grateful and sad.
Of course there are things I would change. Suffering from the past six years that I would be more than happy to skip. But it's there and has grown into who I am. That grief I never talk about I wear on my face each day, and it makes me human.
Life is imperfect. And hard. And crazy. And silly. And terrible. And absolutely stunning.
I get choked up just thinking about it. I feel overwhelmed by the audacity of what has and could happen. For a moment, I am just stuck there. Standing in reverence of the beauty of life.
And then I hear a kid laugh, or think of a funny joke, or remember that book I wanted to read, and it is wiped away.
I am still living in the everyday.
Both nothing and everything have changed.
So I found myself back here perusing old things I've written. And I found this draft of a post I started six years ago titled, "Just." But it was empty. It made me wonder what I had meant to write. Just... what?
I decided I'd finish it today.
Just a few things have happened in the six years since I was here.
I got married.
G. died.
I graduated from college.
I have taught for nearly four years.
J.L. had two babies, and I love them.
J. moved out of state, and I miss him.
I made new friends.
Lost old ones.
Moved and moved and moved.
Had a lot of lazy Sundays.
Played more in the park.
Gained and lost weight.
Read a lot of books.
I have lived through a lot. The Good. The Bad. The pattern of repeated everydays.
My life has changed a lot in six years. There are handfuls of things that I thought I would do which never happened.
But in recent weeks I have realized that the fundamental things never change. The things I like. The people I love. My routines. My habits. The ways in which I seek out happiness and comfort haven't changed. I love that. I am coming to know myself in a way I haven't before.
Something I find interesting is the comparison of who I thought I would be, and who I am. Sometimes I look at my life and think, "Of course it would be this. It was this all along." There is comfort in knowing I am who I always was. I still stand on the same things.
Even though life hasn't played out in the ways I imagined it or hoped for, it has been better. The weird thing about future plans is that we never really account for the bad spots. I mean we have savings accounts and life insurance and that extra food supply, but when it comes to the big ideas, like where we want to be in ten years, we just can't account for it. Life. The weird things it does.
I never thought I'd be an English teacher. Or that G. would die a year before my graduation. I never thought S. and I would be married and blissful like we are.
Sometimes, on lazy weekend mornings, I wake up and peek my bedhead out of the sheets and lay in awe at everything that's happened. At what life has created. I am stunned and grateful and sad.
Of course there are things I would change. Suffering from the past six years that I would be more than happy to skip. But it's there and has grown into who I am. That grief I never talk about I wear on my face each day, and it makes me human.
Life is imperfect. And hard. And crazy. And silly. And terrible. And absolutely stunning.
I get choked up just thinking about it. I feel overwhelmed by the audacity of what has and could happen. For a moment, I am just stuck there. Standing in reverence of the beauty of life.
And then I hear a kid laugh, or think of a funny joke, or remember that book I wanted to read, and it is wiped away.
I am still living in the everyday.
Both nothing and everything have changed.
